My Submission to ARPTALK*

[The following is humor. Please keep that in mind as you read].

Dear Rev. Dr. Charles Wilson,

Hi, long time reader, thought I'd share a few words. I am really at a loss for what to say in this letter other than to convey my shock. The thing I'm the most frightened about is that Erskine College is morally debased and has no convictions of right or wrong. But there's the rub; I myself cannot compromise with Erskine College; it is without principles. I cannot reason with it; it is without reason. But I can warn it and with a warning it must unquestionably take to heart: Erskine College must have some sort of problem with reading comprehension. That's the only explanation I can come up with as to why Erskine College accuses us of admitting that its opinions represent the opinions of the majority—or even a plurality. What I actually said is that the biggest difference between me and Erskine College is that Erskine College wants to destroy the natural beauty of our Christian education system.

There's no shortage of sin in the world today. It's been around since the Garden of Eden and will surely persist as long as Erskine College continues to abet a resurgence of laughable exhibitionism. Erskine College's attitude is indubitably, "You don't agree with me; therefore, you must be a foul-mouthed flimflammer". Now that that's cleared up, I'll continue with what I was saying before, that it's easy to tell if it's lying. If its lips are moving, it's lying. Prudence is no vice. Cowardice - especially Erskine College's macabre form of it - is. I, in turn, insist that Erskine College believes that it commands an army of robots that live in the hollow center of the earth and produce earthquakes whenever they feel like shaking things up a bit on the surface. That's just wrong.

It may not be within the scope of this letter to encourage people to restore the world back to its original balance, but I would like to mention that we are a church of prostitutes. By this I mean that as long as we are fat, warm, and dry we don't care what Erskine College does. It is precisely that lack of caring that explains why from secret-handshake societies meeting at "the usual place" to back-door admissions committees, Erskine College's fans have always found a way to generate an epidemic of corruption and ecclesiastical unrest.

If you're not part of the solution then you're part of the problem. Erskine College is out to flout all of Synod's rules. And when we play its game, we become accomplices. It's not just the lunatic fringe that's in Erskine College's corner; a number of previously respectable people have begun backing it. Erskine College's fusillades sound so noble, but in fact Erskine College's opinion is that the existence and perpetuation of hooliganism is its own moral justification. Of course, opinions are like sphincters: we all have them. So let me tell you my opinion. My opinion is that Erskine College wants to prevent us from calling for a return to the values that made this school great. If it manages to do that, it'll have plenty of time to focus on its core mission: gagging the innocent accused of protesting obstructionism-motivated prosecutions. The bottom line is that I have put this letter before you, without any gain to myself, because I care.

Sincerely,

Temperance Dogood

 

*** Almost good enough for ARPTalk, huh? Humor generated automatically online at http://www.pakin.org/complaint. I thought it was pretty funny. I added the first sentence (“long-time reader”), changed the subjects (Erskine College/ARP Church/”ecclesiastical unrest”) erased a sentence that didn’t make any sense, and added bolding. Everything else was original. Go auto-generate your own!